Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Did I just click love goodbye?

Hello everyone, sorry for the long absence from writing. As you probably assumed the title of this post is definitely a play of words based on the book title I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. This post does deal with relationships, but not with the actual book itself. This is merely my own thoughts on my own dating life from a Christian perspective.


Let's start with the basics. I am single for those who do not know and for the most part I am very happy and content. I have had only one long relationship that started when I was in high school, but since then really haven't dated much nor was I really looking up until about a year or so ago. God and I were working on our relationship issues and I saw this as an important first step before I ventured back onto the dating scene. Honestly, the things I learned in that time were so very vital to what I want in a relationship. I learned about who I really am and what exactly I am looking for in a husband. Plus, God was blowing the doors wide open on my concepts of relationships. In the Christian community just because we are believers does not mean that we are immune from the generalities that encompass all of dating. We still offer up heartfelt expressions such as; "When you stop looking that's when you will find him" or "God has that perfect someone out there for you it is just not time for you to meet them yet" or "God is using this season of singleness to teach you something" and the big one "God can be your husband, lover, etc..." I am the first one to say that I bought into all these statements (some which are completely false and others that hold some truth, but still paint an incorrect picture). You see, God created us for relationships. Yes we are created with relationships in mind. Look at your life and see all the relationship you have. There is the God relationship, your family relationship, you friendships, your church relationships...the list goes on and on, but within in all of these there is a very special relationship we are created for that can be filled by no other person and that is the husband/wife relationship. No matter how much you love and serve God (unless called to celibacy which I believe very few are) or how much you invest with your family and friends there will still be a hole left unfilled until we find the spousal partner. And we are created that way. God designed that desire for a husband or wife. He saw at creation that is was not good for man to be alone and thus created Eve for Adam. So it is not bad/ungodly like we are taught to have the longings and desires in our heart for a husband or wife, it is a godly desire placed there by God himself.


Now you are probably asking what all this has to do with my post title and so now I am going to tell you. Once God and I had worked on many of issues in my life and that my eyes/heart had been open to many of the relationship falsities that I had believed I felt it time to step out into the dating scene with my new gained knowledge. I was going to be active in the pursuit of my future husband because I know understood God was not just going to drop him into my lap or flash a big neon sign over his head. Yet, I had been gone so long where did I even begin. Bars and clubs were definitely out of the question because the caliber of man I was looking for was not going to be found there. The church members and small groups are a great place to start. They can see potential in matches that you might not always recognize or might not even realize are there. However, the unfortunate thing about living in a small area is that the availability of men is limited. Many come to the area already married or dating so it closes many a door for singles out there. So what options did I have left? I knew a few people who had had success from online dating and I thought why not give it a whirl you never know. It gives you the ability to widen your dating sphere to where there just might be someone you are compatible with. But which one to choose? There are hundreds out there offering love at the click of a button, but which one offers you the greatest potential in finding a match. After doing my research I settled on eHarmony for several reasons. It is one of a very few sites that does a personality assessment to discover truly the things that I value most and it takes the matching out of my hands. It is sort of like friends setting up people on blind dates only with a little more psychological insight into the people. I have to admit it is kind of exciting to open your page and find matches waiting there for me to discover. However, (here comes the tie in to the title) I cannot help but wonder did I ever click someone with potential goodbye. Now some bad candidates are easy to spot. Ones with no pictures and very little filled out on their profile are probably not subscribing to the service so it is easy to close them. Then there are the ones who despite matching on a psychological level they are no match on the spiritual level. And of course there are the ones who choose to initiate the close which is no big deal. But the ones that are hard are the ones that seem like they have potential, but for one small reason something inside says no. Is it a chemistry thing? Is it a looks thing? Am I being entirely too picky in the process? Despite trying very hard not to date by the worlds standards and giving people honest chances I still find old practices ingrained into my relationship thought process. So by the time we reach the open communication stage of the process most matches have fizzled out. And it leaves me with the question is internet dating all it is cracked up to be? Sure, there is some science/psychology behind what eHarmony is doing, but is it merely a substitution for being out in the real world or can one really find the right person from a dating website. As for me I do not have a definite answer yet. I think it can be a tool in the pursuit to find someone, but certainly not the only means that should be used. So I guess for now only time will tell if I just clicked love goodbye.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Ruined by God's Love

Have you ever been ruined by God? It is an interesting question I know. And I'm sure many of you right now are scratching your heads and saying did she really just ask me if I've been ruined by God. Or you are thinking I have been healed by Him, redeemed by Him, restored by Him, filled by Him and sometimes I have been broken or humbled by Him, but never has God ruined me. I promise if you stick with by the time I am done writing today I will answer that question for you.

I had the pleasure of accompanying my friends Lauren and Keith to church yesterday. It was a very non-traditional service in the sense that the entire time was just spent praising and worshiping and fellowshiping and communing with God through music (something I could have done all day). The worship leader was explaining to us that this service had been in the works for many months and that as he was preparing for the day he spent a lot of time reading Romans, especially Romans 6. As he was preparing God inspired him with this song he was about to introduce to use and he presented us with the very same question I just presented you with.

Honestly to say I was shocked is an understatement. In my little religion major mind all sorts of bells and whistles and flags were going off. I just could not believe what this guy had just asked. My interest was also peaked though (probably because I was curious to see how this guy was going to talk his way out of this). But he began to read to us the scripture that God had inspired him with and I began to see where he was going. If you are not familiar with Romans 6 Paul is explaining that we have died with Christ and are given new life in Him. That we are dead to sin. That we are free from the bondage of sin and have become slaves to righteousness. I know that being a slave does not sound very appealing to anyone, but because we are slaves in one form or another to something why not be a slave to righteousness living for Christ.

So with that set up here is how we are ruined by God. As we die to sin and to our former selves we are bound as slaves of righteousness. We abdicate our place and control of our own lives and allow God to take the reins. His internal working of our heart, mind and soul begins to reflect in our outward and daily lives so much so that it begins to be less of ourselves who is seen and more of God. Thus by the standards and practices of the world living without God we have been ruined by His love and presence in our lives. So you see by allowing God's inner working and by becoming slaves to righteousness rather than slaves to this world we have become ruined by God's love (at least in the eyes of the world which is fine by me).

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It Is Well With My Soul

First I apologize for the long absence from my writing. The last month and a half has really been crazy for myself and my family (all of which has worked itself out now). There were many times that I felt inspired to write and believe me I had much to write about, but at the end of the day I just didn't feel like writing. I was so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted at days end that all I really wanted was a shower and a pillow. I know that sounds bad.

I am back now and finally feel ready to write. One of the ways God has been speaking to me is through music as He often does. However, this time I wasn't listening to contemporary music, I went back to the hymns of the church. There is such beauty and wisdom within the verses of the old hymns that in times of distress I find much comfort in them. One day while I was listen to some I began to wonder what had inspired the men and women of the past to write such powerful songs so I hopped on the Internet and began to research the history behind the hymns. Let me just say there are some amazing stories behind these hymns, but the one that struck me the most during this particular rough patch was It Is Well With My Soul and I just have to share it with you.

The lyrics of this hymn were composed by Horatio G. Spafford in 1873, but the years leading up to his penning of this hymn were marked by sorrow and suffering. In 1870, Horatio's only son died as a result of scarlet fever. A year later, Horatio who made much of his living through real estate investments, found himself in financial ruin after the Great Chicago Fire. Wanting to take his family's minds off the tragedies they have just suffered he decided to take them on holiday to Europe, but was called out on business before they were set to sail. Horatio insisted that his family travel on ahead of him and that he would join them later once his business had been resolved. On the voyage to Europe the ship carrying his family collided with another ship and sank. All four of his daughters perished in the sinking, but his wife survived. 9 days later Horatio received a telegram from his wife saying "Saved Alone". Horatio quickly boarded the next ship bond for Europe so that he could join his grieving wife. As he made his voyage across the ocean then captain called Horatio to the bridge and pointed out that the spot they were now passing over was the place that they believed his daughters had died. It was then that he returned to his cabin and wrote the lyrics which he took from 2 Kings 4:26.

After reading his incredible story I was in awe. Here is this man who had lost his home, his possessions, his children and still he was able to say it is well with my soul because he was assured of the salvation that comes from Christ. And I thought to myself why am I evening complaining. I have a home, I have clothing, I have food and I have my family. I have lost nothing in comparison with this man. If he can say after all that "it is well" then there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to say "it is well" with me. So at that point I released my grip of control on the situation and turned it back over to God. It is well with my soul because God is my salvation, because He is faithful and because He is in complete control.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Abba Father, I Cry Out

*Disclaimer* This particular post has nothing to do with hating God or losing my faith. It is just a girl having a David moment before her Almighty Creator.


God I am struggling to understand what is going one here. It seems like the waves just keep pounding down on me and my family. Each time we have managed to get back on our feet, but it is not long before the next wave comes crashing. Honestly what is it that you want us to learn. We have bent our knees, we have been broken, we have looked to You and yet here we stand again. I just wish I could understand the lesson you are trying to teach us.



And really it is not fair. It seems like so much pain has been directed toward my family in a few brief months, but here we are again the sting from the last blow barely subsiding. I know that life is not meant to be fair. I know that You never give us more then we are able to bear. I know that through suffering we are sharpened. I know that You will provide and that we do not need to worry. I love that Your love for us is so great and so enveloping. I know, I know, I know. Yet, I am still questioning why. My human side is questioning the logic and reasoning. Why do we need to go through one more thing? Haven't we proven our faithfulness or is it the other way around haven't you shown Your faithfulness to us more than enough times? Father just help me make sense of it all.



Abba Father my heart and soul cry out to you. In this time of heartache where else can I go? Fill my heart with your peace again. Give my soul rest in the uneasiness of this time. Spread your love and mercy like a wildfire through my family. Let my cries for them be heard and not fall on deaf ears. For their sake and not my own do I cry to You. I know you will never leave us or forsake us. So to your feet I fall Precious God. Carry this burden while we are weak and trodden on. Build us up in ways only You can. Give us strength to rise once more. And walk with us till we hurt no longer. Mighty is Your Name and Awesome is Your Power. In You alone do we place our trust, our faith, our hope now and forever.

AMEN

Monday, April 20, 2009

You are Amazing God

A friend sent this video to me. She knows them personally because she has one of their children in her class. I have never met them, but their story is incredible. I was absolutely moved by their faith and felt that it need to be shared. It is an amazing testament to the goodness of God's love and the healing that He offers to everyone no matter what the situation. I hope you will be as moved and inspired by it as I was. (Sorry you will have to click the link to view, but I promise it is worth it).


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eww1uVUPw8M

Blessings in the Form of Girlfriends

In today's hustle and bustle I don't think we take the time to celebrate the people who impact our lives. So right now I just want to take some time to celebrate the wonderful girlfriends that God has placed in my life. They are such a blessing in my life and such a source of inspiration to me that they deserve a little celebration.

The Girls

*Lauren Michele* (AKA The Best Friend)
Lauren is my best friend. We are so much a like it is scary (this probably has to do with the fact that we are 2 days apart). She is the person that knows everything about me, who sees me for exactly who I am and still loves me despite all my craziness. I can be completely silly or neurotic or enraged or heartbroken and she is the one who I call. Her spirit is the most amazing. Everyone needs a friend in their life just like her.



*Jill* (AKA The Southern Princess)
I met Jill in our first class (Foxy Knoxy) Freshman year of high school and we have been friends ever since. She is the only person I know who is probably more sarcastic then I am (which is really hard to do). She also is the most caring, generous, kind-hearted person you will ever meet in your life. She gives of her time, energy and resources like no one else I know. She inspires compassion in me.


*Robin* (AKA The Quite Beauty)
I have known Robin the longest. We grew up in church and school together (I use to steal her pink carpet in preschool). Her house was always the cool house to hang out and I have so many memories growing up that involve this woman. She has quiet beauty because she doesn't always talk as much as I do, but in certain moments she has spoken some of the most profound pieces of wisdom. Her gentle spirit inspires me.




*Katey* (AKA Christian Soldier Barbie)
Do not worry she calls herself Barbie so it is not an insult. Katey and I share similar stories in some ways that sometimes I think gosh am I looking in a mirror. She also has one of the most intense faiths and incredible testimonies I have ever heard in my life. She doesn't just speak her faith she lives it. Her faith inspires me to an even deeper faith and relationship with God.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Finding My Name

Okay so you may read the title of this blog and think what is she talking about. Doesn't she already have a name? And shouldn't she already know it? The answer is yes I know the name that my parents gave to me, but that is not the name I am talking about. The name that I am referring is what I have titled my heart name, it is the name that God uses to speak tenderly to the heart of an individual. Please do not get this confused with the new name that we receive in Christ, these are two separate names. Let me give you a little back story before getting to the rest of real story.

My women's Bible study has been reading Captivating. At one point in our study the guide asked us what name does God speak to you with. As I listened to the video and the girls in my group they all had these beautiful names for which God tenderly called to them and I felt completely left out because I had never heard a name from God. So as I left from study I was feeling a little upset and all I could think to do was pray. I drove home and began to have a long conversation with God about finding the name He spoke to me with. After that night I sort of put it out of my mind and didn't really think anymore about it. That was probably about a month ago.

Fast forward to last Friday. I had woke up and began doing my morning devotions for the day. My morning devotions are from the book Hinds Feet on High Places. This particular morning I was at the point book where the character Much Afraid is being called by the Shepherd to journey with Him to high places. (If you have not read the story it is an allegory and I suggest reading it to understand what I am writing about). His song to her calls her His Fair One. In that exact moment God spoke to me. He said this is my name for you. I got really giddy. I mean I was giddy like a Jr. High girl who got asked to a dance by her crush and if you know me that is completely out of character for me. Oh but God was not done with this moment. While I was rejoicing God told me to look again. I was like OK I get it God, the name fits me, I am pasty white so fair one is a good fit. And he was like no keep looking. So I went back and I read the name over and over. I was like I am missing something here God, what am I not seeing and then like a lightening bolt to my brain the light bulb clicked on.

My birth name Jennifer means Fair One. It was then that God whispered to the very depth of my heart. Do you see now. You have always been Jennifer. You have always been Fair One to me. All I could do was just weep. This birth name that I had really despised growing up because it was plain, it was ordinary, it was common was the same name that God had been using all along to speak to me. How can I dislike the name that God gives to me? I will never speak another ill word about my given name. I am also really blessed that God even before I was born planted that name in the mind and heart of my parents to give to me. So today I don't have a new name, but am renewed in the name I have always had.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Prayer Request

I just learned a friend of mine from my Cambodia Mission Trip has passed away. He was an extraordinary man and a great crusader for Christ. He is part of the reason I recognized the call of ministry in my life and my heart is deeply saddened. I know that he has gone home and is dancing and singing with Christ already. I ask that you please keep his family in prayer as they deal with this loss and grief.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Father's Love Letter

I heard this at a True Campaign session and wanted to share it with everyone. It is called the Father's Love Letter and it is a love letter that comes straight from Scripture. So if you are feeling down or discouraged let this be a reminder to you of all the Love and Promises that God has for each one of us. Enjoy!

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32


Love, Your Dad Almighty God

Monday, March 16, 2009

I know the plans I have for you...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil,to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Jeremiah 29:11-14


This particular passage is familiar to many Christians. It is a passage that inspires hope and reminds us that God is in control of our lives. It is a passage that throughout my years as a Christian I had memorized and I could recite during times when life got messy. Yet, it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I truly came to understand and take hold of the promise that this passage has to offer.


In my last blog I wrote about the struggle I went through to find my way back to God. So I thought now I would spend sometime explaining how I got the call to go into ministry. From a very early age I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to join the California Highway Patrol. I was fascinated with the idea of fighting crime. However, when I fell ill at the age of 19 my dream of ever becoming a patrol officer quickly disintegrated.


It was then that I began to ask the question of what am I going to do now. I had a list of other career choices that I thought I would be good at or that I would enjoy, but nothing ever appealed to me quite like law enforcement. It was then that I began to pray about my options. It should have been a prayer that asked God what plans He had for my life, but at this particular point I didn't have enough faith yet to allow Him to make that decision for me. Instead I treated my prayers like a suggestion box. Dear God, I think I would be good at this and this and this so tell me what you think and maybe I'll check it out. I should have known better then to ask God to reveal to me what He thought because He gives straight forward answers even when it is not what you want to hear. And what I heard was ministry.You would think that that would be all that I needed to propel me toward a career in ministry, but I remind you that I am stubborn and have to learn the hard way. I was looking for the easy way out, the quick path to a career. I argued that ministry was just too hard, it would take too long and there was no financial benefit to it. I flat out told God no way. So off I went down my own path to find out what I should be doing.


I changed my degree choice as much as I changed my socks. At first I thought I would still go into criminal justice, but the idea of sitting behind a desk watching others handle the action was too painful. Next I thought how about dental hygiene, but I realized that the thought of working in people's mouths kinda grossed me out. Then I thought I would go into journalism because I liked to write and enjoyed doing it. I soon discovered that I hated writing for deadlines and about things that I had no interest in so that was out. At the end of 2 and a half years I still had no idea what I wanted do and a vast array of college credits that added up to squat. My next adventure was going to Le Cordon Bleu as a hospitality specialist, I was for sure this time that this career choice was going to stick. God had other plans.


It was during these years that I was growing leaps and bounds in my faith. I took the verse in Matthew about making disciples of all nations very seriously and told the Lord I would go if He would send me. (I know I am walking contradiction, but I don't always see it right away). I had always had a singing talent so I wanted to use that to glorify God. I got involved with a performing arts ministry that allowed me to travel the US one summer and very much wanted to work with them again. In the Spring of 2007 I got a call from the ministry asking if I would like to be a part of an intense mission to Cambodia. I jumped at the opportunity. The funding for it fell into place soon after so I did not doubt this was what God wanted me to do. However, a week before I was set to go I was dealing with some dark spiritual forces that were trying to stop me from going. I am so thankful I had a director who recognized what was going on and prayed the demon away. The next week I was on a plane headed for Cambodia.


My time spent there was faith changing. Never had I relied on God for so much. And it was there one night in the middle of an open lot while it was pouring down rain (we went during Monsoon season) that I finally recognized the call that God had placed on my life.


When I returned home I knew what I wanted to do, but I was all set to make my way down to hospitality school. So I gave it a shot. While I was there God was still moving in me from my experience in Cambodia. This time I began to pray a more sincere prayer. Lord, what are the plans YOU have for my life, where do I go from here. He answered with Matthew 9:37-38; the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few pray for God to send laborers out into the harvest. It was my answer. I knew what I needed to do. I withdrew from Cordon Bleu after only six weeks, came home and began to search for a Christian University. One of my team members from Cambodia was attending Liberty University in Virginia so one day in my searching I checked it out. It was an instant fit, I knew this was exactly where God wanted me. I applied and was accepted soon after. I began classes in January 2008 to work toward my degree in Religion. It is a year later and I am still so sure that this is what I am suppose to be doing. I am content in the calling that God has placed on my life. I am even looking to the future as I am already planning on pursuing a Masters. And the passage in Jeremiah has come to mean so much more. It was like it was almost written personally for me and my situation. He has always had plans for my life, one filled with wholeness and hope, but I was choosing to exile that part of my life from Him. Yet, when I sought Him and His plans with all my heart, mind and soul, it was then that He found me and brought my future into full view.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A Story Worth Telling

For a long time I believed that my personal testimony was not worth sharing. My story was not an exciting rescue by Christ in my darkest hour of need, in fact I can hardly remember what life was even like when I accepted Christ. I longed for a testimony that captivated people, that moved people, that stirred people in new ways, but that's just not how it happened. Yet, I am learning that even though my story may not be the most interesting it is still a story worth telling.

I had what you would call a typical Christian childhood. I was raised by Christian parents and was surrounded by godly people. In this way I count myself extremely blessed. At the age of seven in the back seat of a friend's car on the way home from Awana's one Wednesday night is where Christ became my personal Savior. At the age of eight I felt the intense call to be baptized. I know that is young, but I felt called so I obeyed. For the next nine years my faith did not waiver. I did not doubt my beliefs or question the lessons I had been taught growing up. I was blissfully ignorant of life outside of my bubble.

It changed though. In my tenth year as a Christian I began to pull away from the safety I had always known. I began to look at my life through different eyes. I was tired of being the good kid that everyone relied on. I was tired of taking everything that my parents taught as the ultimate guide for my life. So I rebelled. Call it being a teenager if you want, whatever, I wanted to test the waters. To discover something for myself. Let me make one thing clear, my rebellion was not what many would expect. I was not doing drugs, getting drunk, partying, sneaking out or anything like what someone would classify as "typical" teenage rebellion. My rebellion was spiritual. I simply walked away. I did want to be confined by the rules any longer so I began to look for answers outside my faith.

For a year I looked for answers in the world, in other religions and in the faith of my ex- boyfriend. I went as far as even being confirmed in his church. But the hole was still there, I still had not found what I was so desperately searching for. Then it happened. In the midst of a year of warring in spiritual agony I got sick. My world came crashing down in an instant. At age 19 you're not suppose to be weak and withered, you're suppose to be at the prime of your life, but day by day my body was failing. I went from specialist to specialist seeking answers. Test after test revealed no clue as to why I was so ill. When a neurologist finally gave me a label it came with very little hope attached. His words to me were there is nothing medically we can do for you, but with time you will learn to live with your disorder. Learn to live, I didn't want to learn to live, I should be living all already. I was broken.

It was in that moment that God began to minister to my heart. He began to call me back to Him. Actually, He had been there the whole time, watching me fall, wanting to hold me if I would allow Him to, but in my stubbornness I had refused Him time and time again. Yet, here I was broken, beaten and completely humbled. This was a battle I could not win on my own. I did not have the strength to face the road ahead by myself. So into His arms I ran, with tears streaming down my face, I began my life renewed in Him. It was not an easy road the next four years, I searched for cures and relied on God when no relief came. In the Summer of 2008 though God lead me to new doctors, one's who were not willing to rest or take another doctor's findings simply at face value. I got a new diagnosis, a treatment plan and a renewed sense of hope. God is good.

So it may not be the most valiant tale of rescue, but it is my own. I do not believe because my parents are believers or because I grew up going to church. I believe because God spoke to me and found me in the presence of personal darkness. I was refined by His fire, continue to be refined by His fire and my love and faith become stronger each time.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Beauty Unveiled

2009 has not started out the way I had thought it would at all. Yet, in the midst of unexpected storms I am finding God's Beauty all around me. Beauty is something that speaks to every soul on earth. Beauty inspires great works art, moving symphonies, passionate poetry and we are all capable of experiencing it. But there is something about beauty that speaks to the absolute core of a woman. Beauty is the image of God we women bare and it is the language in which He nurtures our very souls with. Have you ever stopped to wonder why it is a woman takes so much time primping and preening her hair and makeup. Or why she takes such pride in decorating her home with wondrous treasures. Or why she spends years establishing a garden filled with multitudes of blossoms and colors. It is because beauty is in every fiber of her being.

So here I am. The last month or so now not being filled with much beauty for me. Actually I should clarify that I haven't allowed myself much time to enjoy beauty lately. However, this week God spoke beauty to me when He knew I needed it most. Anyone who knows where I live knows that there are not too many clear days where the sky is blue and the grass is green. Thursday was one of those days though. As I drove down the freeway towards town to meet my best friend for lunch I could see the snow covered mountains on the horizon. The closer I got the more they became this beautiful backdrop that absolutely took my breath away. And in that moment I could hear God whisper to my heart. "This beauty is yours. It captures you because I made you to enjoy beauty, because I enjoy beauty and you are made in my image." Talk about your WHOA God moment, but there it was. God revealing Himself to me in the form of His beautiful creation. I was struck. My heart rejoiced in a God who in the midst of stress and pain and trials chose to remind to see the beauty He has created for and in me.

Monday, February 9, 2009

An Unexpected Storm

I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

The words of this song have become my constant prayer these last few days. On Thursday I found out that my Nana had passed away. And while it was my full intent to begin my blog on a much happier note, I think I would much rather reflect on the emotions of the moment.

It seems like since I heard the news that my life has been stuck in slow motion. Every thought, action, minute in time has slowed to the pace of a snail. I have run the gamut of emotions from anger to sadness to disbelief to praise and through it all God has been my constant. I know that many would find it hard to praise God in a moment like this, but for me it seems like the only thing that makes sense right now. To understand this you have to understand my thinking behind it. I have come to understand that death is part of the life cycle. It is a direct result of the falleness of man. Yet we are not left without hope. God saw the falleness of His children and He reached out to them. God sent His Son to be a living sacrifice that we may have eternal life in Him.

This is how I am able to keep going. I praise Him for His Son and the hope that He brings. I praise Him because I know that tonight my Nana is rejoicing in Heaven with her Savior. I praise Him because I had 23 years to share in the life of a wonderful woman. I praise Him because I know He will never give me more then I can handle. I praise Him because as I grieve He hold my heart in His loving hands and offers me peace.

I ask that as my family is dealing with this loss that you will keep us in your prayers. Pray that all those who grieve find peace.