Finding My Name

Okay so you may read the title of this blog and think what is she talking about. Doesn't she already have a name? And shouldn't she already know it? The answer is yes I know the name that my parents gave to me, but that is not the name I am talking about. The name that I am referring is what I have titled my heart name, it is the name that God uses to speak tenderly to the heart of an individual. Please do not get this confused with the new name that we receive in Christ, these are two separate names. Let me give you a little back story before getting to the rest of real story.

My women's Bible study has been reading Captivating. At one point in our study the guide asked us what name does God speak to you with. As I listened to the video and the girls in my group they all had these beautiful names for which God tenderly called to them and I felt completely left out because I had never heard a name from God. So as I left from study I was feeling a little upset and all I could think to do was pray. I drove home and began to have a long conversation with God about finding the name He spoke to me with. After that night I sort of put it out of my mind and didn't really think anymore about it. That was probably about a month ago.

Fast forward to last Friday. I had woke up and began doing my morning devotions for the day. My morning devotions are from the book Hinds Feet on High Places. This particular morning I was at the point book where the character Much Afraid is being called by the Shepherd to journey with Him to high places. (If you have not read the story it is an allegory and I suggest reading it to understand what I am writing about). His song to her calls her His Fair One. In that exact moment God spoke to me. He said this is my name for you. I got really giddy. I mean I was giddy like a Jr. High girl who got asked to a dance by her crush and if you know me that is completely out of character for me. Oh but God was not done with this moment. While I was rejoicing God told me to look again. I was like OK I get it God, the name fits me, I am pasty white so fair one is a good fit. And he was like no keep looking. So I went back and I read the name over and over. I was like I am missing something here God, what am I not seeing and then like a lightening bolt to my brain the light bulb clicked on.

My birth name Jennifer means Fair One. It was then that God whispered to the very depth of my heart. Do you see now. You have always been Jennifer. You have always been Fair One to me. All I could do was just weep. This birth name that I had really despised growing up because it was plain, it was ordinary, it was common was the same name that God had been using all along to speak to me. How can I dislike the name that God gives to me? I will never speak another ill word about my given name. I am also really blessed that God even before I was born planted that name in the mind and heart of my parents to give to me. So today I don't have a new name, but am renewed in the name I have always had.