Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Did I just click love goodbye?

Hello everyone, sorry for the long absence from writing. As you probably assumed the title of this post is definitely a play of words based on the book title I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. This post does deal with relationships, but not with the actual book itself. This is merely my own thoughts on my own dating life from a Christian perspective.


Let's start with the basics. I am single for those who do not know and for the most part I am very happy and content. I have had only one long relationship that started when I was in high school, but since then really haven't dated much nor was I really looking up until about a year or so ago. God and I were working on our relationship issues and I saw this as an important first step before I ventured back onto the dating scene. Honestly, the things I learned in that time were so very vital to what I want in a relationship. I learned about who I really am and what exactly I am looking for in a husband. Plus, God was blowing the doors wide open on my concepts of relationships. In the Christian community just because we are believers does not mean that we are immune from the generalities that encompass all of dating. We still offer up heartfelt expressions such as; "When you stop looking that's when you will find him" or "God has that perfect someone out there for you it is just not time for you to meet them yet" or "God is using this season of singleness to teach you something" and the big one "God can be your husband, lover, etc..." I am the first one to say that I bought into all these statements (some which are completely false and others that hold some truth, but still paint an incorrect picture). You see, God created us for relationships. Yes we are created with relationships in mind. Look at your life and see all the relationship you have. There is the God relationship, your family relationship, you friendships, your church relationships...the list goes on and on, but within in all of these there is a very special relationship we are created for that can be filled by no other person and that is the husband/wife relationship. No matter how much you love and serve God (unless called to celibacy which I believe very few are) or how much you invest with your family and friends there will still be a hole left unfilled until we find the spousal partner. And we are created that way. God designed that desire for a husband or wife. He saw at creation that is was not good for man to be alone and thus created Eve for Adam. So it is not bad/ungodly like we are taught to have the longings and desires in our heart for a husband or wife, it is a godly desire placed there by God himself.


Now you are probably asking what all this has to do with my post title and so now I am going to tell you. Once God and I had worked on many of issues in my life and that my eyes/heart had been open to many of the relationship falsities that I had believed I felt it time to step out into the dating scene with my new gained knowledge. I was going to be active in the pursuit of my future husband because I know understood God was not just going to drop him into my lap or flash a big neon sign over his head. Yet, I had been gone so long where did I even begin. Bars and clubs were definitely out of the question because the caliber of man I was looking for was not going to be found there. The church members and small groups are a great place to start. They can see potential in matches that you might not always recognize or might not even realize are there. However, the unfortunate thing about living in a small area is that the availability of men is limited. Many come to the area already married or dating so it closes many a door for singles out there. So what options did I have left? I knew a few people who had had success from online dating and I thought why not give it a whirl you never know. It gives you the ability to widen your dating sphere to where there just might be someone you are compatible with. But which one to choose? There are hundreds out there offering love at the click of a button, but which one offers you the greatest potential in finding a match. After doing my research I settled on eHarmony for several reasons. It is one of a very few sites that does a personality assessment to discover truly the things that I value most and it takes the matching out of my hands. It is sort of like friends setting up people on blind dates only with a little more psychological insight into the people. I have to admit it is kind of exciting to open your page and find matches waiting there for me to discover. However, (here comes the tie in to the title) I cannot help but wonder did I ever click someone with potential goodbye. Now some bad candidates are easy to spot. Ones with no pictures and very little filled out on their profile are probably not subscribing to the service so it is easy to close them. Then there are the ones who despite matching on a psychological level they are no match on the spiritual level. And of course there are the ones who choose to initiate the close which is no big deal. But the ones that are hard are the ones that seem like they have potential, but for one small reason something inside says no. Is it a chemistry thing? Is it a looks thing? Am I being entirely too picky in the process? Despite trying very hard not to date by the worlds standards and giving people honest chances I still find old practices ingrained into my relationship thought process. So by the time we reach the open communication stage of the process most matches have fizzled out. And it leaves me with the question is internet dating all it is cracked up to be? Sure, there is some science/psychology behind what eHarmony is doing, but is it merely a substitution for being out in the real world or can one really find the right person from a dating website. As for me I do not have a definite answer yet. I think it can be a tool in the pursuit to find someone, but certainly not the only means that should be used. So I guess for now only time will tell if I just clicked love goodbye.

1 comment:

  1. You might enjoy my blog where I also critique Josh Harris's book:

    www.ikdg.wordpress.com
    "I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?"

    Unfortunately Josh Harris is quick to point out the defects of dating but won't admit the problems and defects with his approach. Even at his own church he acknowledged a number of problems but doesn't share them on his website.

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